Even Skinny Girls Wear Spanx

I am about to REALLY expose myself so that we can all enjoy a little laughter as the best medicine . . . that means that you all have to be incredibly kind in return.  Putting myself out on a limb here.  ;-)

So let me tell you all the story of how a skinny girl like me found herself purchasing Spanx.  Believe it or not it all starts with my nemisis, Celiac Disease.  When I gave birth to my daughter 12 years ago, I had to have an emergency C-Section.  She was frank breech, which means her feet were tucked up to her head & her head was not pointing down . . . toward the natural exit.  Unfortunately, although I had told my Ob-Gyn many times that I thought my baby had not turned he paid no attention.  (Sigh.  Typical experience.)  I found myself fully in labor when he "discovered" what I had already told him & it was certainly no time to attempt trying to turn the baby.  C-Sections all around!

I was a young mom though & my recovery from the major surgery was relatively easy, even quick.  The years passed & the incision healed without any complications.  Soon I could barely even make out the scar.  Then I started to get ill with Celiac (still unknown to me).  I often had an enormously distended, painful tummy.  I even remember laughing through my discomfort with my husband & daughter one evening when we were first living in West Africa, because I literally looked like I was pregnant again.  Soon after that, I had laparoscopic surgery for treatment of Endometriosis & chronic appendicitis.  I noticed after that surgery that the right side of my C-section scar was a bit tender in a way it had not been since I had given birth, but I tried not to let it worry me.

Meanwhile, the Celiac worsened.  This caused chronic, serious abdominal pressure & all that pressure pushed on the C-section scar, an area that had now been disturbed in a second surgery.  This summer I noticed that a tiny bulge had appeared there & in September my doctor diagnosed me with an incisional hernia.  Thanks for nothing Celiac!

Recently, the hernia has bothered me so I saw my doctor to talk about options for dealing with it, hopefully without surgery.  This is what our conversation was like:

Doctor:  "This is not a serious hernia & I don't advise you to have another surgery.  How about you try to support the area to decrease irritation & inflammation?"

Me:  "Okay.  How do I do that?"

Doctor:  "You wear a belt, but you are so small I don't think we can get one to fit you.  Why don't you go to a maternity store & get one of those post C-section belts."

Me:  "Um . . . okay."

I went to the store that evening with my 12 year old daughter & sheepishly told the sales lady that I was "very postpartum," but that my doctor had recommended this product.  She showed me one & I bought it.  At the register she offered me advice:

Sales Lady:  "I had my C-section six months ago & I am still healing.  Don't worry.  You'll recover.  How old is the baby?"

Me:  (Suppressing a laugh.)  "Uh . . . (pointing to my daughter) this is the baby.  She's 12."  (Internally my dialogue was, "Yeah, I'm 144 months postpartum."  LOL!)

Sales Lady:  (Looking very surprised.)  "Oh!  Okay.  Well if this doesn't work for you, I really recommend Spanx.  That might give you the support."

Me:  "Okay, thanks."  (Internally my dialogue was, "Do they even make Spanx for women like me?  Where do you think I'm going to get a pair of super skinny Spanx girlfriend?"  LOL!)

Well, I gave it a try, but the C-section belt didn't work, plus it made me feel totally silly.  But I don't like to be in pain & I really want to avoid surgery . . . so I gave in & went to buy some Spanx.  What.  The.  Hell.

I shopped around & got the smallest pair I could find & then tried to throw a few other needless items in my cart.  I headed to the check out hoping the cashier wouldn't look at me, look at the Spanx & assume I had body dysmorphic disorder.  I stood there wishing he'd check me out faster & thinking:

"I swear this is for medical purposes.  I think Spanx are a totally legit thing for ladies to smooth out all the curves, but I fully realize I have no curves to smooth.  You see, it's just the thing from the maternity store didn't work . . . no, I did not give birth recently, but I have this issue . . . "  Ugh.  I'm such a weirdo.  Inside I completely felt like I had to justify my Spanx purchase & simultaneously be in solidarity with ladies who heart Spanx.

I took them home, then literally wrestled my way into them & gave it a whirl.  Spanx are HORRIBLE.  It felt like I had a rubberband around my middle.  Apparently I got alot of butt lift (I unwittingly bought the tummy flattening/butt lifting pair & my husband thought the butt enhancement was hilarious), but the rest of me felt like a human sausage, a very tiny sausage, but a sausage all the same.  It seemed like my circulation to my thighs might get cut off.  The whole time I kept thinking, "How ridiculous do I look?  How long will it take to peel these puppies off if I wanna' take a potty break?  I wouldn't mind putting on some weight & maybe getting a little muffin top, but I think these things are squeezing any fat I do have in my mid-section up to my collar bones." 

Sigh.  In the end, Spanx neither worked for my hernia, nor made my small frame look more shapely.  And wearing a maternity belt 12 years after giving birth didn't really do it either.  I congratulated myself for trying anyway.  I am working hard to figure out how to best care for myself, despite lots of unforeseen challenges.  I'm trying to do it without hasty surgeries or poisonous medications.  Sometimes . . . even skinny girls have to try Spanx.